Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
