There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
...so i touched it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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