He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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