Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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