the condom got lost in my hair
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
