You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
