Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
