i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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