We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
