i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
