I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
