cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
