Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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