don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
