You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
