Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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