She is in my trunk
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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