I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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