sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize