i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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