please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
