I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
