THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
