mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
