I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
