just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A+ Viking dick
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize