i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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