Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
