did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
