My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
