I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
