I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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