I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
