Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
