this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
