Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
