You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize