He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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