i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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