Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize