I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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