you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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