I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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