Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
