1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
