Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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