i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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