What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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