he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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