I'm lost and stupid without you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
two words...techno handjob
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
