my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
