I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
