And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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