my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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