ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
