I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We need to get me chipped asap
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
