my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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