So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
