pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
