My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
