I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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